Being Busy and OCD

So I fail a lot at updating lately.  It has really been work, play with son, entertain company, and work some more the past few days.  I suppose 4 to be more exact.  I have been working more than normal(OT ka-ching) but it is mostly self induced, which sucks because it is taking away from writing.  I gave myself a large project though, and have been making everything I can to finish it even at home.  Have been putting in a couple hours a night to work on it.  It essentially converting an entire library to match with another one.   Yay me.

I’ve been trying to do some thinking lately.  Trying being the key word.  Finishing any thought fully has been elusive.  My brain has been all over.  I still haven’t been sleeping right.  Have been waking up sometimes for not apparent reason multiple times a night.   Other nights I have a reason, like my son climbing in bed and kicking me in the face.  That is a pretty good reason to wake up methinks.

Sunglasses.  I recently bought the first pair I have had in the last ten years or so.  It’s one of those things I had been putting off.  Just squint right?  So I got a pair.  I have mixed emotions though.  I like the fact of not having to squint a lot, but on the other hand I feel as though it is making my eyes pansies.  They want to hurt and whine at the slightest extra brightness now.  So I dunno.  Maybe I’m just a pansy?

Writing.  Well we can all see how that has been going.  I still have a good 5-7 ongoing stories.  This goes back to my focus issues.  It also relates to how I best write.  Each of the different stories going invoke a separate emotion in me.  I may be a guy and have the emotional depth of a rock when compared to the female of the species, but I do still have at least a couple of them, and they build up because, well, frankly, I don’t always open up.  I have this awesome habit of holding emotions in.  Believe it stems from a fear of actually connecting to somebody else.  To truly open yourself up to another being is scary shit.  Maybe it shouldn’t be that way.  I am married so I should be good at it right? Well.. not so much.  I still open up a little bit at a time.  There are still things that are rolling around my head that will probably never see the light of day.  But not to derail.  Each story that is currently in the works helps me to try and release one of each of my pent up emotions.  I don’t have to have that to write, but it does help.  That is part of why one of them hasn’t gone terribly far in over a year, because I have worked through some of the issues that were being caused at that time, but also I buried some others.  I need to stop that.  I need to open up to myself goddamnit.  How screwy is it that I have issues even with that?  Blargh.

Lighter news.  My best friend is getting married.  That is fantastic.  I hope the best for him.  I also hope I can give a…. appropriate speech.  I at times have issues with a filter, which could be bad in a room of people I don’t know.  I mean I can guess that starting off by saying, “It takes a special kind of woman to get him ready for marriage and congrats at being the fifth one, hope it sticks!”  I could see how that could get me hit, but at the same time I would laugh.  I suppose that it’s not a situation that my laughter is the most important though.  Also shouldn’t say too much more on that since he will be reading this I’m sure.  I guess it will just be an awesome surprise.  My vows that I write for him/her.  To join in to their relationship.  Sexy-like.

Bow shicka wow wow.  I’m out for now.  I will try for a more focused blog tomorrow.  Hell I will even try to make notes so that I remember what the hell I wanted to say.  Had a blog post planned out this morning at work and got a pad of paper to write it down.  Somebody asked me a question. And. Blankness.  *goes to a spanish accent* son oof a beesh.

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    • Brittany
    • June 8th, 2011

    I think being raised in an environment where we weren’t allowed to always express ourselves without being reprimanded for feeling that way could pertain to the emotional attachment issues. I have them just as well as you but express myself more openly being that I have a vagina.

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