On Annoyances and Being an Asshole

Current Annoyance: My nose. I suppose I should be more specific. The nose can cause such trouble for being such a small percentage of your body mass. It can be stuffy, itchy, giant broken-glass shaped boogery, cold, hot, and bloody. The last is my current grief. I am at the edge of a precipice. I have used up all the digits on one hand now. I can now remember 5 nose bleeds I have had in my life. 2 of which have been in as many days. That, my friends, is annoying. I suppose I shouldn’t complain because I know there are others that have gotten them a lot more than I. Even my wife has. When she was pregnant and had to get up and do her nightly 35 pees since our child was using her bladder as a punching bag, she would get a nose bleed every night. So I could see that being fairly annoying. Good thing for her though, she was already in the bathroom.
Yesterday it happened when my father called. I picked up the phone, said ‘Hi Daddyo’ and promptly felt blood trickling down my nose. I attributed it to his rage since he was apparently beyond furious at a sibling. I figured he had just developed some psychic powers that were spilling over the phone line. No biggy. It stopped.
Tonight however, tonight was slightly more ill-timed. It was the average night. Did dinner, bathed the chitlin, watched cartoons, put him to bed, read a story, watched our adult shows, and then we went about the super-fun reserved for adult time. All going along normally(lights are off because I look HOT in the dark) and my nose has decided that it is going to be stuffy and runny. So I sniffled it back up as a man does, but it kept coming. I put my face in the pillow to catch the wetness. I wipe my arm across my nose. I kiss my wife and feel her cheek get wet. I act like a nursing babe. Essentially it looked pretty damn dirty everywhere, and for once it wasn’t the wife’s awesome lady-time’s fault. Sucks when you don’t realize until it is over. She tells me a gave her a hickey. I call bs. She turns the light on. I curse.
Hm. So. Yeah. What else. I had a similar gross story on Sunday. We all got dressed and left the house to go wandering for some new work clothes for my lady. Right before the ramp onto the interstate my son lets me know he needs to pee. Immediately. Luckily, there is a gas station right there. Have been there a few times before with no issue. So we stop by and go into the bathroom. I start levitating my son. There is no backing out now, he has seen the toilet and must go. Unfortunately for me the toilet has poo on it. The sink has remnants of vomit. There were lots of wet splatter marks and toilet paper all over the floor. It was probably the nicest bathroom I’ve ever been in(once again I wish sarcasm had its own unique font). So I get my boy to start doing his business as fast as possible to get out of there. He pulls ‘himself’ out of his pants. Unfortunately he decided that the pants don’t need to go down, he can just bend down over them. I stop that mess from happening and pull them down a hair. He then starts to wee and for whatever reason is extremely interested in what is coming out. He has been doing this on his own for over a year now, but this time must have been a momentous occasion because he could not take his eyes off himself peeing. Alas his eyes were not trained on the toilet. He added to the wetness on the ground surrounding the toilet and on the wall. I got his attention and he corrected his stance. He overcorrected though. He went the opposite direction, well in a diagonal I suppose, and continued to pee down his leg. Luckily, not much since it was the tail-end of the pee, but it was still all nice and wet. So now clean up time. I took him to the sink, and held him up from touching it and the vomit residue, got the soap, scrubbed and tried to keep his curiosity from focusing on the chunks in the sink. It was a fun time!

Not much else other than that. I suppose I should give a brief mention of the asshole of which I speak in the title. I thought it was me. At least I’ve tried to convince myself thus. Why? I don’t know. Why is it so hard to continually be an asshole? I tell myself all the time that I am one, but normally I end up mischievous instead of asshole. I suppose that it isn’t that I want to be an asshole, I just wish I would stop being such a nice guy. I know that it is good and people appreciate it and blah blah. Only the thing is that most people don’t appreciate the nice guy. They get to be assholes and take advantage of the nice guy. I know it isn’t well thought out, but I am now fighting sleep. So I leave you with a description of the three kinds of people in the world.
I suppose I should warn you that there is a bit of language in it. Or I could simply tell you that the three kinds of people are Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes. You can take it from there, I trust you are adult-ish.

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