To The Unavailable

This is a little on the whiny or personal side so if you don’t want that, feel free to skip over this post.  There is your disclaimer.


Dear (any number of names here),

You were once a part of my life.  I remember the good times and the bad.  Please know that this is the proverbial you, not one person in mind, but multiple.  As Trent Reznor once said “You’re so vain I bet you think this song is about you”.  I don’t know why I still lament over things lost or things that could have been.  I suppose it is because of the good times that were had.  I grew up looking up to you.  I grew up with the naivete that a family’s love is unconditional, further strengthened by your words of love and praise and claiming to always be there.  I thought that those were true words spoken.  Then life happened.  I grew up.  I made choices that you couldn’t approve of and so instead of showing your support you left me hanging.  There are many choices made that I regret, but not those that pushed you away.  Some left because I got married.  Some left because I couldn’t believe in their god.  Others left due to my needing a relationship with my father.  I don’t personally feel that any of those were grounds to leave my life.  I find it sad truly, especially the last one.  That after 26 years of my being alive, there are those that still can’t bury the hatchet of things in the past and get over their hatred of each other.  To be so arrogant as to insist that I ignore a relationship with a man I had only begun to know.  How can I know who I am if I don’t know where I come from?  How can I know a story with half of the book ripped out?  I can’t.  As I said, I don’t know why I still let things like this get to me.  It just kind of hit last night.  Thinking about those I would love to share my son with.  To let them see how great he is, how much he looks like me at that age.  The things he can do.  His smile.  And yet when you had the opportunity to exit my life you did, without so much as a backward glance.  That there are those who were once such a pivotal point in my life who still have never seen my son(their nephew, great grandson, or even just a friend) is sad to me.  I know that it is they who are truly missing out but… it still pulls at me sometimes.  I did what I could to rekindle some of the relationships, and yet they couldn’t get past their hate of other people in my life or past their religion long enough to want a relationship still.  So really by typing this I am hoping to allow some of those feelings out.  I’m hoping that I can let some of you go as cleanly as you let me go.  And for a little bit of the bitterness now.  I wish that those who enjoyed the time with me and passed on were still around and that those who choose to be without my family and I in their lives could have taken their place.  A little less negativity in my life and a little more joy.  As I said.. I know this was a whiny post but dammit it’s my blog and I get to say what I want.  Be happy that I didn’t go into full detail.  Would have been a bit more sad/whiny/angry then.  There are many things I keep bottled up as I’m sure everybody does.  It simply feels good to let a little bit out every now and again.  Sorry that this wasn’t life changing or a great insight or anything like that.  I simply wish that those who walked when the option was given are happy in their lives.  I’m trying to be happy in mine.


Your Old Pal Al

I will now step down from my mini soap box.  I hope all of you are having a fantaaaaaaaaaaastic day/week/month/year.  It’s beautiful outside.  Enjoy life.

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