Posts Tagged ‘ family ’

To The Unavailable

This is a little on the whiny or personal side so if you don’t want that, feel free to skip over this post.  There is your disclaimer.


Dear (any number of names here),

You were once a part of my life.  I remember the good times and the bad.  Please know that this is the proverbial you, not one person in mind, but multiple.  As Trent Reznor once said “You’re so vain I bet you think this song is about you”.  I don’t know why I still lament over things lost or things that could have been.  I suppose it is because of the good times that were had.  I grew up looking up to you.  I grew up with the naivete that a family’s love is unconditional, further strengthened by your words of love and praise and claiming to always be there.  I thought that those were true words spoken.  Then life happened.  I grew up.  I made choices that you couldn’t approve of and so instead of showing your support you left me hanging.  There are many choices made that I regret, but not those that pushed you away.  Some left because I got married.  Some left because I couldn’t believe in their god.  Others left due to my needing a relationship with my father.  I don’t personally feel that any of those were grounds to leave my life.  I find it sad truly, especially the last one.  That after 26 years of my being alive, there are those that still can’t bury the hatchet of things in the past and get over their hatred of each other.  To be so arrogant as to insist that I ignore a relationship with a man I had only begun to know.  How can I know who I am if I don’t know where I come from?  How can I know a story with half of the book ripped out?  I can’t.  As I said, I don’t know why I still let things like this get to me.  It just kind of hit last night.  Thinking about those I would love to share my son with.  To let them see how great he is, how much he looks like me at that age.  The things he can do.  His smile.  And yet when you had the opportunity to exit my life you did, without so much as a backward glance.  That there are those who were once such a pivotal point in my life who still have never seen my son(their nephew, great grandson, or even just a friend) is sad to me.  I know that it is they who are truly missing out but… it still pulls at me sometimes.  I did what I could to rekindle some of the relationships, and yet they couldn’t get past their hate of other people in my life or past their religion long enough to want a relationship still.  So really by typing this I am hoping to allow some of those feelings out.  I’m hoping that I can let some of you go as cleanly as you let me go.  And for a little bit of the bitterness now.  I wish that those who enjoyed the time with me and passed on were still around and that those who choose to be without my family and I in their lives could have taken their place.  A little less negativity in my life and a little more joy.  As I said.. I know this was a whiny post but dammit it’s my blog and I get to say what I want.  Be happy that I didn’t go into full detail.  Would have been a bit more sad/whiny/angry then.  There are many things I keep bottled up as I’m sure everybody does.  It simply feels good to let a little bit out every now and again.  Sorry that this wasn’t life changing or a great insight or anything like that.  I simply wish that those who walked when the option was given are happy in their lives.  I’m trying to be happy in mine.


Your Old Pal Al

I will now step down from my mini soap box.  I hope all of you are having a fantaaaaaaaaaaastic day/week/month/year.  It’s beautiful outside.  Enjoy life.


A Very Uncomfortable Place(Or Why I won’t say I really enjoy things going smooth)

Like the back of a Volkswagen.. The uncomfortable place that is.  Soooo.. It was one hell of a week.  I can trace it all back to last Sunday talking to my brother on the phone.  I told him that the last two weeks had been amazing, not really any major problems at all.  His had been the same.  We said huzzah and reveled in the glory of the calm. And then…

Monday – Started off alright, and then my son decided to throw up.  All in all it wasn’t a bad day after that, just meant I started the week off short hours at work.  I got over it.  Then I found out that a co-worker that I got into an argument with and put in his place had placed a bullet on my workstation.  That floored me a bit.  What floored me more was the fact that the boss decided to do nothing about it.  Nothing.  So I call the bullshit flag on that.

Tuesday – Was my Monday at work.  Just lots of customers calling and begging for their products to be made.  Commence Operation: Run Around Like A Chicken With Head Cut Off.  So yeah.  Not much there.  I talked to one of my police friends that night because I had bought a Kindle Fire via Craigslist.  I tried to register it and it turned up lost or stolen over the weekend, so I talked to him and had him trace down what Police Department it had been reported stolen at.  So he finally came up with where it came from on Tuesday.  Now I could have just sent it back to Amazon, but all that they wanted to do was to recycle it and too damn bad for the person who had lost it/had it stolen.  That seemed pretty shitty to me.  So that is why I went the policeman man man route.  That way I could try to find the person and get it back to them.  I did hope that I could get some money back from what I spent on it, but didn’t know if that could happen.

Wednesday – More of the same at work.  Just do lots of running around.   After that I decided it was definitely a good day to get some gym time in.  So I picked up my wife and headed to pick up my son and then off to the gym.  Well on the way to my son there was an accident on the main road, so I turned off and took the back road to the babysitter’s house.  We went through a gas station parking lot and briefly debated on grabbing a protein bar or something to snack on before the gym.  We decided not to just in the off chance that our son would want a quick snack as well.  We then turned onto the back road and headed towards the babysitter’s house.  We stopped at a red light.  There were two cars in front of us and a truck behind us.  At the intersection there were two separate lights.  One for a left hand turn, one to go straight.  The light to turn left went green while the one to go forward stayed red.  Apparently the truck behind us didn’t realize that.  He gunned his gas without paying any attention and then took his eyes off the road to pick his cell phone up.  The next thing I knew I was a pin ball.  He hit me hard enough to push me into the van in front of me and bounce me back and forth.   Luckily there really wasn’t much damage done to my vehicle, at least as far as I can tell so far.  My neck was a bit tender tho.  After that proceeded to the babysitters and decided screw the gym.  Home and sleep.

Thursday – Well, I overslept.  Then went to the police station and turned in the Kindle Fire.  Did all the standard interview questions.  Got sad that I don’t get my money back.  But I suppose at least I did the right thing.  Best thing was getting a bit of the weight off my chest of having a stolen good.  So I got to work, only got to work 4 hours.  Had to clock out for part of it to answer insurance questions for the rear-ending.  I then finished up what I could and left for the day to go to the auto-body shop because my check engine light is on for my catalytic converter for the second time.  So I head to the place to find out if it is still under warranty and if they can do anything about it.  No sooner do I hand my keys over than I get a call from my wife.  It appears that we need to take our son to the doctor.  He was pooping and started squirting out blood along with the rest.  She sent pictures to prove it.  So I head home and pick them up and off to the doctor’s office.  We get there.  Turns out the insurance card they had on file had expired since the last time and my wife forgot her purse.  So it took 45 minutes to figure out insurance just to get in.  We get in and do a bit more waiting.  Doctor finally shows up, asks the questions, and then decides that my son is just pooping too big and he ripped something.  So he needs to get some stool softener and it should make everything better hopefully….. but she had to do some checking anyway.  It is quite the uncomfortable feeling watching your 4 year old son getting fingered.  Felt so dirty and awkward.  He didn’t help.  He didn’t scream or cry or anything like that though.   No, he giggled.  A doctor is knuckle deep in him and asking him to squeeze like he is pooping and he is just laughing away.  I was at a loss for words.  That doesn’t happen much.

Friday – Not much actually.  I woke up at 2AM and went to work early.  Put in 11 hours and headed home.  Now I sit here trying not to sleep.  The worse thing so far today was slicing the end of my thumb almost off.

So what’s the moral of the story?  Don’t tempt fate.  Toodles for now.

In Conversation With My Son

Just one of those times that you shouldn’t laugh but can’t help it.

To set the scene up… It was bath-time for my child.  I got him in the tub when suddenly I felt quite the rumble in my tummy.  There was no way around it; I was going to have to poo.  It wasn’t the ideal situation but it need to happen.  So I sit down and get ready to when suddenly he demands to know “Why are you getting naked?!”  I told him the business I was about and commenced to follow through.  At which point he decides to discover his scrotum more.  He has discovered the rest of himself many times over, but now it was apparently question time about that.  So he lifts the rest of himself and asks me “What’s this?”

So I tell him “It’s your scrotum.”

He asks “Whats in it?”

“Well son, your testicles are in it.”


“Because that’s where they are kept.”

Do you mean my balls?!”

“Why yes son, they are your balls.”

What do they do?”

“Well when you get older they will make babies.”

Wow! How do they do that?  Is it by waiting?”

“Yep.  That is exactly it.  You simply have to wait and they will make babies when you are older.”


“Because that is what they do.”

Oh.  Will my balls be big like yours?  I have small balls”(yes I have been laughing for some time at this point)

“I’m sure they will be.”  He then gets quiet and I focus on pooping.

Daddy look!”

I look over and he still has himself lifted and has grabbed the cup to pour water all over his sack.

“What are you doing?”

“My  balls like water! A lot!” Then he starts rubbing them and claims to be cleaning them..  I finish my business and he finishes bath time.  End of story pretty much.   Just something that made me laugh because of how obscene it was.

So enjoy my discomfort and giggles.  May you suffer them as well.

Pretty Neat Way to Welcome a Baby

But it would take a loooooot of commitment.  I suppose a child does as well though.

Skyward Sword and Other Stories

So as much as I am looking forward to buying Skyrim(waiting until the 17th)  I am just as excited for Skyward Sword.  Apparently it is a Sky*.* month.  There is still some nice weather currently, maybe that is why.  Either way, here is a trailer for Skyward Sword.  I love the Zelda series and have played almost every one of the games.  Ocarina of Time is one of the all-time best games ever in my opinion.  That is part of why I am so excited for this new game.  I have yet to see a negative about it, it is even being touted as one of the best games for the last 10 years.  I would love for that to be proven right, well to an extent.  If that is true then the other games I have bought may not get play.  Hm.. It is a toughy.  One of the cool things in the game is that your Wii-Mote is essentially your sword.  However you hold the controller, the sword is moved in that direction.  There will be enemies that have shields that you have to actually move a certain way to defeat them.  That is exciting to me.  I hope that it is as fulfilling as it seems it should be.  Not many games have taken that in-depth control of the Wii-Mote.  At least none that I have played.  If I am wrong, may the gamer gods strike me down.

Here is hint at my geekiness….

That is fresh after I got it.  Been 3 years now.  So the hair grew back in case you were worried.

Now then.  I have an idea that came to me whilst working earlier.  I suppose it was the thought of parenting, and if I am going to add a second chitlin at any point.  I have just over 4 years to do so until my personal cut-off age.  So I was pondering about the wee widdle bon bon that would be in the oven and that got me to thinking about all that you are supposed to do to help it along: eating right, not straining yourself, vitamins, and playing classical music on your stomach for he/she/it to listen to.  If playing classical music at that stage actually helps….Why not take it further?  I say we make a pair of underwear for men.  Boxer Briefs would probably be good.  They allow for some room but still some support.  Now with that extra room, what we are going to do is install speakers and/or an mp3 player with classical music built in.  When you are getting ready to conceive, you wear these underwear.  Let’s call them BallRocks or Classiball Briefs, or The Scrotal Serenader, or maybe just Fancy Fruits.    With that system your sperm are all preconditioned, smarter, and more will make it to the goal(the egg in case you were wondering or this is your first time).  Not only that, but you get a pleasant tingling in your business all day.  I say it’s a win win win.

A fun experiment with that, a little nature vs nurture or just silliness.  Provide different mp3 players at random to different guys when they are trying to conceive.  Allow for some rap, some classical, some rock, metal, oriental, folk, country, or whatever suits your fancy for the experiment.  Now see who is most successful at conceiving.  Also see if some guys would be willing to donate to a petri dish and watch the spermies under a microscope.  See if any are dancing crazily or attempting to interbreed.  Find some ladies willing to partake and see if they end up tasting different.  Maybe the oriental seems good but leaves you craving more 30 min later?

Maybe that is just a bit much and the fun would have lasted longer without the stereotypes.  I disagree.  Take it and laugh.  And now for a story.  The story will probably not surprise you much considering my underwear ideas.  For the sake of redundancy I feel I should tell you that I can be a bit of a smartass.  Quite frequently as a matter of fact.  This is a fact that my son has picked up on.  He has also started imitating me.  I’ve begun to realize that I will soon be out-matched.  Children are sponges.  They learn language amazingly starting at age 2.  This is why it is ideal to introduce them to a second language at that time.  Alas, I fear that the second language he has picked up is sarcasm.  And so it was that I was picking the wife up from work yesterday.  We had some shopping to do so we were walking around.  Just getting the norm, some milk, other food, and cleaning supplies.  Our son though, being 4 decided that he wanted to walk off.  We got on to him and told him to get back over to us.  He did what kids do and ignored us.  So the wife told him a little bit more adamantly.  He calmly turns around and looks at her and says ‘Yes’m massa’.  I turned purple with laughter.  This was probably not the right response.  The wife informed me that she really dislikes me sometimes.  I laughed more.  And thus my smartassery comes around to bite me in my ass, which doesn’t seem to be all that smart anymore.


Good Night.

A Thought at Bedtime

Why hasn’t somebody come up with a mathematical equation for determining your child’s bedtime?  Is it possible? I suppose if it is your child than it mostly is instinctual.  For everybody else though…. Maybe I should take it upon myself.  Hmmm…
The number of times you have to repeat yourself times the number of hours it has been since a nap.  Now take that result and if A) the child has had supper multiply by four B) the child has not had supper multiply by two.  The closer you get to 100 the more it is definitely that special time.  Now there are special circumstances wherein you don’t even have to think about it.
1) No nap. This means that by the time you suspect they may be tired, it is actually 3 hours past the time they should be sleeping.
2) If sick.  Of course they are crabby  you would be too.  Now give them some damn snuggles and ice cream.  Not necessarily in that order either. 
3) Company is visiting. Give up now.  It will be at least
3 hours after you believe it too be bedtime before your kid(s) even lay down. Add 1.5 hours after that for when you get to start your bedtime.

I’m sure there are things I’m forgetting.  Also the math may not be sound.  Just made it all up.  Also I’m half asleep.  Please feel free to point out my mistakes and laugh.  I shall do the same.  Then promptly make a farty face at you.  Unless you are particularly rude.  Then you get real fart.

Posted from WordPress for Android because Apple is lame

In Which I Prepare to be Skewered Alive

Ok.  Disclaimer.  I sometimes have issues with my filter.  By sometimes, it is quite often, as in a lot, as in I have to constantly keep it on my mind to be a good boy and not say something that somebody may find offensive.  I don’t normally want for it to be mean, just funny, but I suppose my sense of humor is slightly skewed.  I am just your typical mid-west boy/man-child.  Grew up in a small town with a decent number of small minded people.  This does not mean that they were not good people, most were.  Most were fantastic.  It does mean that most weren’t particularly worldly.  Most knew what that area had to offer and were content with simply knowing that.

People that did not have much ambition other than to work in a restaurant, real estate, or catering to whatever tourism they could get.  Most went to the same church their entire life without blinking an eye.  A conservative, quiet, and if you are local a friendly people.  There are and will always be things I miss about the area, but it is not an area that I would want to live in again.  I am a bit of a black sheep as far as that area is concerned.  I am very open minded, very ambitious, want to go somewhere in life, atheist, and I suppose you could say liberal.  I do find religion highly interesting though.  I really have absolutely no problem with what anybody else believes as long as they don’t use that belief to infringe upon the happiness of others.  Believe in God, the invisible pink unicorn, the flying spaghetti monster, Buddha, Zeus, Thor, anybody and that is awesome.  Truly awesome.  The fact that you can have that belief is something that, being who/what I am, I do find fascinating.  Remarkable even.  Maybe I could even be a bit envious of it, but wouldn’t want you to know that eh?  So instead I believe in what I can.  I believe in my family.  I believe in being the best father I can and hopefully I can pull off at least mediocre husband.  I would shoot for higher, but I am a man.  One day I hope to even fully believe in myself.  It goes back and forth.  Kind of sin wave-ish.  Hopefully can believe in or at least acquire a bit more discipline.

That being said, with background and all, much more than you could ever want to know.  I will now prepare for the skewering.  Politics is not what you could call an interest of mine.  The lying, backstabbing, and blatant lies are fun to watch, but it always seems to me that the choice comes down to Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich as South Park pointed out.  You still have to make a choice though.  Without making a choice, you have no right to bitch about who did make it.  I have qualms about all of the candidates and even the current POTUSA.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but that is the problem.  He doesn’t really fight for anything.  He is timid.  I was pondering about that, and I hope this doesn’t sound overly racist, but I think it is because he isn’t white.  This is actually something more critical about whites, I feel.  Sure sure, make it about skin color.  The thing is though, that we whites are arrogant assholes.  Ask anybody who isn’t the same color as us.  We have a sense of entitlement.  We truly believe that we deserve everything that is given to us, and if we earn something, then twice as much should be given because of how awesome we are.  Mr. President has had to always play the negotiator and talk and do all he could to please other people to get his one-up.  He is still there.  Trying to please instead of taking the charge that he has earned.

I could be completely wrong.  It has happened many times before.  So, ream me.  I am ready.  Even used an enema so it is all clean.  Maybe just maybe I will try to get more coherent thoughts and do some research before I open my mouth.  That could be hoping an awful lot though.  Cheers mates.